And the Oscar GOES TO.....

ME!

for Best Portrayal of a Happy Mother Dropping off a Kindergartner. It started out in the Comedy/Musical category, but as soon as I exited the building it became a Drama. I might have scared some children on their way in, but I hold it against their Rule Breaking Mommas who were taking them IN what was clearly the EXIT. For her part, Peach held it together. She looked like she might have wanted to cry, but it might have just been allergies. I haven't slept in over a week. Last night she came in and got in bed at midnight, I woke up sometime in the three o'clock hour and I quit pretending and got out of bed at 6:00.

We went to "Meet the teacher" Friday and it was a MADHOUSE! Kids, Moms, Dads, Sibs, teachers, tables, pens, paperwork, then the tour of the facilities, "This is this, and that is that...", then the putting away of the school supplies, saying hello to the teacher, saying hello to the turtles...an hour later we were home and I was catching my breath and realizing I had a whole handful of papers I had not turned in per the instructions. I'm off to my usual stellar performance for Mother of the Year.

Over the weekend she would ask questions or make statements totally out of the blue, like "I didn't notice very many toys in Mrs. Pinecone's room." (She thinks the teacher's name sounds very fancy because they call the teachers by their more formal last name, instead of Miss First Name like they did at Mother's Day Out, which made her laugh and say 'It's like Mrs. Broccoli or Mrs. Pinecone!') And then she said "Do we go on field trips?" Which is a no. She said "But Melee' went on a field trip." and I said "Yes, you have one field trip in the fourth grade." Then this morning she said "Daddy said they had centers, but I didn't see any centers." Because "centers" at Mother's Day Out is toys and playing, but "centers" in Kindergarten is Reading, Math, Computers and Oh yeah, Arts and Crafts. Needless to say I felt like I left my baby to the wolves this morning.

Short Shanks and I are rattling around the house, every hour or so he comes up to me and says "Where's Peach?", my stomach seizes up, I explain again and we start all over.

Melee' and Zoe both got great teachers this year and since they're in fifth grade, they're the big kids on campus, as is John who got on the bus as an eight grader today. As he and the neighbors went out to the bus I said "You guys be benevolent rulers." They all looked at me like I was an alien so I said "Be nice to the little kids on the bus!" Then I got the "Whatever" eye-roll and sideways grin.

Three down, one more to go. So, when does this get easier?

Tales of Camping. Light.

On the first day Peach said,

"Isn't this great Momma! No chores! No Dishes! No laundry!"

Amen sister. Except for the part where I'll have 14 loads of laundry to do when we pull up into the driveway, and after I've soaked everything in Oxyclean for 24 hours. And contrary to popular belief I can not feed the four of you Marshmallows toasted on coat hangers for every meal for the next three days. But other than that... Pure Bliss baby!

One morning while helping Ace put his pants on he said,

"A one, a two, a skiddley-diddley-doo!"

And that's how I hope to put on my pants for the rest of my life.

TALL Tales from West Texas

OR

Rural Emergency 911

One hot morning while camping at Lake McKenzie, I decided to walk the kids up to the playground area. So we headed up the dusty dirt road in search of swings and merry-go-rounds. It didn't take long for the kids to start whining and complaining about how far it was. John decided that we should definitely take a shortcut down one of the ATV trails, but I didn't want to start down a trail and have it wind off in the wrong direction so I said "No." we would stay on the road, it was only a little further. John said "Well, I'm taking the shortcut." and off he went. I thought 'Whatever. He'll be sorry when we get there and he's still trying to figure out which hill he's supposed to go over.' But as we topped the long steep incline there he was, sitting on a picnic table saying "What took you guys so long."

(Internal eye roll and Doh!)

The playground turned out to be two swings, a rusty merry-go-round and a plastic slide with a hole in the top that looked like a booby-trap. I kept yelling, "Ya'll don't go too far! You're gonna get stickers!" to which Ace would reply "Stickers! I WANT STICKERS! I WANT STICKERS!" Which begs the question, 'How did I raise kids that don't know what it's like to never have your shoes off outside for fear of goatheads?' So the minutes wore on in the hot sun until finally my plan of catching a ride back to camp with Charlie as he came back from town, turned into trekking down the shortcut and letting the kids pick up a few rock treasures on the way. We got to the edge of the playground when John started complaining of something really sharp in his shoe, but after investigating twice, couldn't find what it was. Turns out he stepped on a mesquite bush thorn that went all the way through his hiking shoe. When neither of us could get it out with our fingers, I had to put the bottom of the shoe up to my mouth and bite down on the thorn in order to pull it out. We regathered ourselves and headed down the trail. At the bottom of the first hill it opened up to a big riding area with hills and trails and the kids went in search for rocks to bring home. After another ten minutes in the sweltering heat I said "Times up!" and we found the trail that would take us out to the main road. Up the trail we went, around a corner and on the way down, when Peach lost her footing and fell hands first into a cactus.

I scooped her back up onto her feet to find that her left hand was covered in small thorns with four or five large thorns mixed in. Every time I touched her I came away with a few thorns in my own hands. I pulled out the large ones and when I did, her hand spurted blood that drizzled down her arm. She was wailing like a siren as I tried to calm her down and I soon realized we would have to get back to camp and find my tweezers to pull out the hundreds of tiny stickers. I told her we'd have to keep walking and I turned to find Melee' behind us watching and bawling and behind him, Ace was looking up at Melee' and crying. I was already chanting the mantra "It's okay, it's gonna be okay, it's alright, it's not that bad....." I said "Okay everybody, take a deep breath, we've got to get back to camp." We walked down the path, I was trying to hold her hand but we could only hook pinkies while she held the other hand in the air and the blood flowed down and dripped off her elbow. Melee' was making hitching sob sounds while cursing all cactus on the face of the earth, and Ace just trailed behind crying quietly. I asked John if he would go back to the cactus and see if he could find her two special rocks. The rest of us plodded along and I rallied the troops by singing a rousing course of

'F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me, TRY IT, N is for anywhere and anytime at all! Down here in the deep blue sea!"

We had gotten 15 yards farther down the road, when all of a sudden, John comes shrieking around the corner towards us in absolute abject terror. He was screaming and running faster than I knew he could run. I thought 'OH MY GOD, HE'S BEEN BITTEN BY A SNAKE!' No. Not exactly. He was, however, being chased by what was evidently a killer hornet, which chased him mercilessly causing him to fall down tearing a hole in his jeans, his knee and the palm of his hand. Now it's as if we're in a Friday the Thirteenth sequel and I'm leading all the unlucky souls on a death march to what will no doubt be our ultimate fate when we get back to camp. Of course Charlie pulls up in the truck right as we get to the camp turn in, and finds us dusty, sweaty, bloody and crying. It took the two of us working two pairs of tweezers at least 15 minutes to pull all the needles out of her hands and arms, after which she said she needed to lay down because her stomach hurt. After a short nap we were checking her hand when Charlie found that the knuckle on her fourth finger did not seem to be there anymore which caused us to drive into Silverton to find an Urgent Care center. At the end of the day she had four ex-rays that showed she probably hyper-extended her fingers and had a small sprain but all was well and the Dr. sent us off with instructions on icing her hand and a warning about the rattlesnakes which are having a banner year.

And I never slept for the rest of the trip and we all lived happily ever after.

Rockin the Purple Spandex Unitard Circa 1993, Bitch!

Everything was still packed in the Suburban. Because we were supposed to be on vacation last Thursday. Everything includes my workout clothes, and I was determined Not to unpack. Which sparked this conversation at the gym yesterday...

As I'm laying on the floor doing my ab work....

John: "Mom? Are those shiny purple shorts you're wearing?"

Me: "What?"

John: "Are those purple things shorts?"

Me: "No it's a unitard. See?" I show him a purple shoulder-strap under my T-shirt.

John: (With surpsrise eyes) "That thing goes all the way up?"

Me: "Yep." I pull up the T-shirt just over my waist.

John: "A unitard? Like that thing Jen on Big Brother had to wear for a week? You're not gonna wear that without a T-shirt are you?"

Me: (Grinning from ear to ear) "Maybe in another twenty pounds. Why? You don't like my shiny purple spandex unitard?"

John: (Grinning and shaking his head no) "Where did you get that thing?"

Me: "Top of my closet in a bag of clothes I haven't worn in over 13 years."